In a video posted online, Gosling is seen systematically denying various cereals at different times.

“We have tried to accommodate him, he is just impossible,” said Kellogg’s CEO John Bryant.

“I mean he won’t eat All-Bran, Coco-Pops, Corn-Flakes or Foot Loops, we have tried them all and he just won’t eat them.”

The entire industry is hugely concerned about the blow back on them, with some commentators expecting dramatic reductions in consumption predominantly among women aged 15-85.

“We just can’t afford that, that’s all our mums. All we have left is dads and they are useless.”

Various companies have seen a share-price drop of up to 50% in the fall out.

Speculating on the dubious future of the cereal industry, Bryant said “I guess we will just have to double our children’s advertising… more tantrums in supermarket aisles is our only hope.”

Bond, made famous for his various movies as the character ’007′, a womanising secret agent, has been in a self-imposed actors exile before making himself available for the film.

A spokesperson for Bond said that, “James, while grateful for the work, is concerned that the producers have failed to utilise the soft, sensitive side of him that we all know and love”.

“What people don’t understand is that the womanising, the drinking and the violence is just an act, a character that James has been putting on.”

It has been reported that Bond has not left the house in days as be struggles to come to grips with the world seeing him solely as a shallow, alcoholic misogynist.

The question on most Hollywood insiders’ minds is “what’s next for James Bond?”

Following claims of drunken antics at a Hanmer Springs hotel, threats to involve the Prime Ministers office and a fair bit of passing the buck, Gilmore has now contradicted his mother in public.

Things escalated for Gilmore during in a press conference yesterday when he admitted “I was a bully.” Though obviously correct, the statement directly contradicted those of his mothers, who attacked claims that her son is a bully as “disgusting.”

The statement was a source of much embarrassment for Gilmore’s mother, with the contradictory reports both featuring in national news.

Details are still emerging but it is clear that the MP is currently waiting for his father to come home to receive his punishment.

When asked for comment the Prime Minister had this to say, “look, I actually haven’t spoken to Aaron about his mother but have received word that he won’t be making it to the House this week as he is grounded.”

Asked whether he was considering further sanctions against Gilmore the PM said “Don’t you think the guy has had enough? I mean I’m pretty sure his dad will be saying that he’s very disappointed in him…”

This of course has led to speculation amongst political aficionados that Gilmore’s punishment will not stop at the grounding.

David Farrar of Kiwi Blog said, “I think it’s pretty clear that after caucus has given Aaron a dressing down, he may well be receiving a smacked bottom from his father.”

This left veteran anti-smacking campaigner and long time workers union supporter, Sue Bradford in a unique position as she deemed both the actions of Gilmore and the impending actions of his father to be “not okay”.

In a statement released to media overnight, Key outlined his plan. “The North Island will first be offered on TradeMe, to give Kiwi punters a unique opportunity to grab a part of New Zealand for themselves. However, if bidding doesn’t reach the reserve, we probably will list it on eBay and hope to attract some international interest.” At the time of writing, the listing had attracted over 56 thousand page views, and hundreds of questions. Several users have requested Mr Key relist the item without the cities of Hamilton and Palmerston North, but the Prime Minister responded that the sale will be strictly ‘as is, where is’.

A spokesman for the PM’s office confirmed that the Government has committed to retaining the majority of New Zealand, and that as Tourism Minister, Mr Key chose the South and Stewart Islands because “that’s where all the pretty stuff is.” When asked about the ownership of the Chatham, White and Great Barrier Islands, she responded that if the successful bidder was interested, and had positive buyer feedback, Mr Key would be willing to discuss arrangements over email.

A TradeMe member since 2008, keypmnz has sold a number of items, with mixed feedback from buyers. Several express regret, one saying, ‘I feel like the product was misrepresented’; while tokerroa said, ‘my first purchase fromkeypmnz was a little disappointing, but I bought from him a second time, hoping that would be better. It wasn’t.’ Mr Key dismissed this criticism, saying that he really didn’t have much to do with the account, as his son Max is “the only one in the family with time for all that internet stuff.”

In related news, user redshears14 was banned from TradeMe for life after flooding the property section with hundreds of listings for non-existent houses at $1 reserve.

“Many of our friends were out digging silt in the eastern suburbs, but Sonia and I realised there was a huge potential support base when we looked on Facebook and saw all of these people whose thoughts seemed to be consumed with the issues Christchurch was dealing with, and they were doing a great job of sending those thoughts our way,” said Dr Walderry. As others skipped off and sorted food parcels all day, the two computer engineering grad students set about attempting to find a way to turn these ‘positive thoughts’ into a form that would bring aid and support to the city that so desperately needed it.

“We got frustrated early on,” tells Ms Herlock, “I mean, we knew there must be some actual value that could be derived from all of these repetitive messages, otherwise why would people bother to write pretty much exactly the same thing on Twitter and Facebook, over and over again?”

Having failed to capture the potent levels of empathy from social media posts, the pair turned to targeting the users themselves. They created an algorithm that would detect when a message on social media had something to do with the earthquakes, and deploy a popup window with an opportunity to donate money or time to the Christchurch rebuild.

Surprisingly, this had very little effect, raising $14.13, enough to purchase a small garden trowel. Minus administration costs, the project is currently in deficit and soliciting donations to cover bandwith and server costs.

Disheartened, Sonia and Michael put their research – including a nearly complete prototype programme that they hoped would transform social media posts into something useful – on the back burner, until February 22nd 2012. “That day,” Walderry said, with a wistful look, “That day held so much promise for us.” Rocked into action by the deadly earthquake, Herlock and Walderry raced through liquefaction, past lost children and across broken streets to get to their lab. Spurred on by the knowledge there would be record levels of empathy and ‘thoughts’ being sent to Christchurch via social networks, they hooked their prototype into the social media interface and waited for the change to happen.

Ms Herlock remembers, “We had the prototype output funnelled into a test environment that contained a tub of liquefaction, a fallen Jenga tower and small pile of two dollar coins.” However, despite millions of messages across numerous social media platforms, and more than 12 hours of waiting, nothing happened. “At one point I woke up and thought that a part of the Jenga tower had begun to be repaired, but then Michael told me it had been another aftershock, so I went back to sleep.”

Unbowed, Michael and Sonia have continued their research during the anniversaries of the September and February earthquakes, when the thoughts with Christchurch are at their peak. Despite finding no link between these messages of hope, and actual progress in the Christchurch rebuild, they remain committed to creating a way to capture the potent power of positive Facebook wishes. “We just feel that this will become a pivotal innovation as increasingly, people are expressing themselves purely through self actualisation on the internet. There is a real urgency to develop a method to capture this energy now, and crucically, to make it sensitive to even the smallest levels of online sympathy, in case something bad happens to Auckland.”

The twenty-five year old from south Epsom had at one point come up with what he thought was a reasonably good gag, getting about 250 words into the piece before realising that it was actually not that funny. He then proceeded to delete the entire article letter by letter, noisily jamming each of his index fingers onto the backspace key while wearing a stupid expression on his face in some sort of twisted mockery of his own ineptitude as a writer. Onlookers had also noticed that the man had been swearing loudly with each dramatic keystroke.

Earlier, after having spent three hours hoping unsuccessfully for a good idea to just pop into his head like it sometimes does, the contributor had looked around the room in a desperate bid for inspiration. “How about a story about doorknobs?” the man had thought to himself. “Doorknobs could be funny right? Maybe something about how the government was banning doorknobs for causing so many injuries to men’s groins?” However, the Pigeon contributor soon realised that this was a terrible idea and allowed his thoughts to unpoductively wander to the hot girl he sees on the bus every morning, but is too much of a pussy to talk to.

The man had also attempted to shock his brain into a more creative mode by taking regular breaks throughout the day and drinking several cups of coffee. The ploy had not worked however, as the only thing all that caffeine had succeeded in doing was giving him a slight migraine. Moments prior to press time, the man rose from his seat, visibly pissed off with himself and announced, “screw this shit, I’m going out for another cigarette.”

“I work and I work and I work so that we can live in a nice country and have good food everyday and when I come home, I just want to put my feet up and watch my programme for once,” Key said, clearly frustrated, “but I guess that’s just too much to fucking ask.”

The Prime minister was visibly displeased the nation’s unemployment was still high despite his repeated attempts to rectify the situation. “I’m just one person. I can’t do it all for you dipshits, you need to sort it out for yourself sometimes.”

“And it’s not like I’m getting any help,” Key intoned angrily, now looking directly at Deputy Prime Minister Bill English.

“All you have to do for this country,” The Prime Minister went on, now speaking slowly and condescendingly, “ is make sure everything is alright at home when I’m away and you can’t even manage that!”

“Seriously, what the hell do you do all day?”

“God forbid, if something should happen to me,” Key continued, again addressing the entire nation “this country would just fall apart. I just know it.”

The Prime Minister’s emotions reached boiling point however, after spotting Hamilton out of the corner of his eye.

“OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” he bellowed suddenly, adding “Who did this?” while pointing at the city. “I want to know NOW, who did this?”

“I’m not kidding around here, who is responsible for this atrocious pile of crap?” the Prime Minister raged on as he grabbed the nearest Air New Zealand shares and dashed them to pieces on the floor.

“Now look what you made me do. Are you happy now?”

At press time John Key had reportedly locked himself in his room, leaving the clearly shaken remainder of the country to sombrely reflect what a disappointment we all were to him.

“Just remember as you head out on the dance floor to try your luck with the girls from the third floor, that you most likely have to spend several hours with relatives on Christmas day, and many of them will have Facebook accounts,” said one office-worker, who asked not to be identified. “Nothing beats the awkwardness of having to explain to grandma why your eight-year-old nephews have photos of you unconscious on the floor of the staff kitchen, wearing your tie as a bandanna and a giant veiny penis drawn on your face with felt pen.”

Unions and support organisations are offering ‘temporary password buddy’ services in a bid to prevent the worst excesses of the notorious ‘self-post’, and are urging partygoers to sign up to their service, which temporarily changes the password between mid-December and the first week of January, preventing them drunkenly posting about how Susie from marketing looks totally banging in that red skirt.

However recruiters are looking forward to their best January since before the recession, with Facebook evidence adding to the number of staff resigning in shame rather than facing the receptionist’s knowing snicker on the first day back.

Produced by industry giant ‘Pfizer’ the new cough medicine named Dextrofin, is said to contain “upto five times” the pseudoephedrine content of regular cough medicines and has extremely low amounts of dextromethorphan, a non-narcotic cough suppressant that can be extremely tricky to separate in most garage-based laboratories. The new drug is marketed with the tag line “Good for soothing the throat and relieving cough symptoms but really; way better for making P.”

“Dextrofin marks a bold new advance in the battle against low quality methamphetamine,” Lara Ingliss, spokesperson for Pfizer claimed on Monday. “What we’ve heard all around the world is that methamphetamine can often be difficult to produce at home or in a gang-pad setting, with a lot of unnecessary ingredients going to waste. What we’ve done is cut down on the ingredients that aren’t needed and left in a lot more good stuff.”

Pfizer has claimed that New Zealand consumers have nothing to fear with the new drug, as it has already been road-tested in several third world countries before being fine tuned, and made widely available here. Drug lords in Sierra Leone, Malawi and Sri Lanka have all been impressed with the results gained from Dextrofin, hailing it as a breakthrough in methamphetamine production and claiming that in almost all cases, “it made a mean batch of crystal meth.”

While New Zealand pharmaceutical laws prevent Pfizer from selling Dextrofin in bulk, for a limited time, P buyers can take advantage of a special offer where you can purchase up to two bottles of Dextrofin at half price as long as you can provide receipts to prove you’ve just been to at least three other pharmacies to buy the same thing, or if you can prove that neither you, nor any member of your immediate family has a cough.

“Smokers are also far more inclined towards sitting in dark cafes with their friends, making snide comments about right wing politicians and discussing Quentin Tarantino films in great and laborious detail,” Dr. Gray said, taking a drag of her Marlboro Red while lazily sitting astride a chair turned back-to-front. “Then at night, they visit malodorous underground bars to support their friend who plays guitar in an alternative band, but is a mediocre musician at best.”

Gray states that even a cursory glance at history reveals that smokers have been far ‘radder’ than non-smokers. “Winston Churchill was a certified badass. His ability to unite his nation in its darkest hour are well known and yet you almost never saw him without a Cuban cigar casually balanced on his lips in a devil-may-care fashion.”

Adolf Hitler on the other hand was apparently an ardent non-smoker. “Small wonder he got kicked out of the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna,” Gray explains, smirking, “he was simply just too uncool for art school.”

The results of the study come as no shock to New Zealand Government advertising group, Smokefree New Zealand, who have run a terribly unsuccessful anti-smoking campaign over the last two years. The ads feature local celebrities of average-to-no-popularity speaking out against smoking in an attempt to sway the hip youth demographic away from the habit. However, Smokefree New Zealand’s insistence that only non-smoking celebrities be involved in the ad campaign has reportedly backfired catastrophically.

“It was a pretty bad move asking non-smoking celebrities to come and speak for us because as the research shows, these people are incredibly uncool and were never likely to be taken seriously on any level” Jeremy Cowell, head of Smokefree New Zealand said. “I mean, we got like half the cast of Shortland Street and that Clarke Gayford guy from C4 a few years ago. These are some fucking lame-ass people.”